My boobs, my cervix, and my son...

... someday he's gonna CRINGE about being in the same sentence with my boobs and my cervix. But these are the facts.
*If you're an in-law, stop reading right now- you'll get the sensored version!*
Things with the pregnancy have been fairly routine, I finally stopped puking at about 5 1/2 months. Which means I've been (fairly) vomit free for a month and a half! (Math is hard. I'm 7 months pregnant, you're welcome) My newest thing is that the baby adores snuggling right up to my sciatic nerve. The term 'sciatic nerve', I'm pretty sure, is latin for "when your ass nerve catches on fire and burns your entire leg off, from the inside out." It feels super good. And it also does this fun thing, where sometimes my burned off leg will just stop working right in the middle of a nice stroll down the lane, and I'll stumble around like a drunk before finally catching my footing.
Speaking of urine (was I not speaking of it? I feel like I usually am), I've also learned that there's no possible way to just 'hold it' anymore. Because if the baby kicks a full bladder, I will absolutely 100% pee my pants. This may or may not have happened a good 3 times before I finally caught on (hint: it did happen that many times.)
Also, I broke my bra. No no no, my boobs broke my bra. They're massive. It's unlike anything I've ever seen, they're like from a horror movie. They terrify me and fascinate me all at the same time. And don't even get me started on Jeff, he adores them. Worships them, even. And it's torture, because he is not allowed NEAR them. They are filled with molten lava. Even walking around hurts too much because then they jiggle and the pain is agonizing. So, imagine how I felt when the underwire from my bra just popped out yesterday and skewered the sore, tender inside of my giant, engorged left boob. Pain doesn't even begin to describe it, it drew blood. And it's not like I can just take my bra off, it was 10am and I was at work. So I walked around with a cotton ball over the broken wire and winced every time I moved. And then I broke down and got a new bra at Kmart on the way home. Because cool kids shop at Kmart. And it was even on sale. I win.
Issue numero 4: The pressure in my cervix is unreal. I thought I was going to give birth on Sunday. BUT, when I went to the doctor for my 25 week appointment, I asked him about it and apparently, no big deal, it's just my pubic bone separating. And I looked at my doctor like he was nuts and I'm all, uh separating from WHAT, exactly? And he's all, oh itself. It needs to widen for the baby's head. And then I threw up, passed out, and died. Right on the exam table. Because I didn't know bones separated. That shit is unnatural. So, the point is, the pain is normal, and I just get to deal with it. Although he did give me a sheet with exercises on it that will help, but EFF exercises. Do I need to outline the sciatic nerve and boob issues for him? I'm doing the LEAST amount of moving that I can possibly get away with.
But, aside from all of that, I actually enjoy pregnancy ('enjoy' being a relative term). Jeff and I are at the fun part where we can buy him stuff and we already have his cradle set up in our room and I love to feel him kick, even though it pretty much always hurts because he's a ninja, and we're having fun with just all the planning. And I actually took a fairly hilarious video of my stomach having an earthquake, which shows that I do not exaggerate when I say he is all over the place. I can't tell exactly what the hell he's doing in there, but it makes my stomach look like one of those aliens from Alien is going to pop out at any minute and bite everyone's face off. And once I can get over posting a video of my big fat blobby white stomach as it rises and falls like the damn sea, I will. But until then, try not to picture it.

*After reading over this post, I decided two things:
1- I talk entirely too much about my boobs. Seriously.
and 2- This post makes it sound like I don't like my baby! I promise I do! I'm even starting to love the little karate master. I just find that no one is as honest about pregnancy as I'd have liked them to be, BEFORE I got pregnant. I wish I could have been better prepared for all the... MESSY stuff instead of just told that "it's a miracle" and "you'll want a hundred more" and "you'll love your child more than anything." Knowledge is power.
Which means this post is completely powerful.

Also, sometime this week I'm going to update this blog about things that have NOTHING TO DO WITH PREGNANCY! Because there's been a lot going on- my brother is gone for two looooong years, Jeff and I had an amazing and then depressing and then amazing-again Christmas and also, someone stole our porch chairs. Like I said. A LOT going on. Stay tuned!