Lindsey's Rantings

Will- One Month

2011-05-08T23:12:00.001-06:00

I made this video to give to my mom and Jeff's mom for Mother's Day and I have to say I'm kind of kick ass at cheesy video making!
The first song that plays was written and performed by Jeff especially for his little boy!
The second song is First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes.

My newest blog fodder!

2011-04-02T18:38:00.000-06:00

William Tyson Jensen (or just Will, but NOT 'Willy,' so help you god) was born on March 25th 2011.

He weighed in at 7 lbs and 14 oz and was 20 in long.

He is perfect in absolutely every way and we love him more than anything!

Mission: DEPRESSING

2011-01-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I broke some sort of rule that, apparently, everyone knows but me. Because of my last post, approximately 900 people have told me that they're never having kids. So, I'm thinking that maybe the reason why no one tells the truth about pregnancy is because then no one would ever have children. Ever again. Ever. So, OOPS! My bad! You can blame the upcoming population decline entirely on me. I'm standing by my previous statements. Pregnancy sucks a fat one.
But anyway, on to a topic that DOESN'T include boobs, vaginas, pee or an overactive fetus.
My little brother, Tyson left in October to go to the Missionary Training Center (or the MTC, for you Mormons!) to prepare to.. well, go on a mission! It's basically a place for these cute little 19 year old boys to learn how to teach and preach. And be grown-ups. And sometimes learn a language (Tyson learned to speak Spanish fluently in like, 3 weeks, no joke). After training there for about 2 months, he was sent off to Arkansas (which is really the only reason my mother hasn't died from worry yet- she was convinced he'd be going to some foreign country where they don't use utensils and everyone's genitals are exposed.. although, for all I know, that could be the very definition of Arkansas). It just so happens that he arrived the very same week that this happened. And now my mother is scrambling to get the phone number of the "Arkansas Scientists" to make sure that there's nothing toxic in the air or the water that could kill her little son, and I'm like, first of all I'm not sure there's a 1-800-Arkansas-Scientists number, and second, if there really was something like that going on, they wouldn't need a worried Utah mother to call them up and get their asses moving. Plus, it's probably no big deal, just the apocalypse or something, sheesh.
But I guess he lives in total ghetto-ville. Ever hear of Rogers, Arkansas? Yeah, me either. According to my brother, he's smack in the middle of total poverty, filth, and crime. He lives in the backyard 'shed' of a member with 3 other missionaries and, like any other dumb teenager, adores it. Granted, he's having a really hard time being away from everyone, especially over the holidays, but he's passing the time by keeping himself super busy doing things like tracting and naming the chickens at the farm next door. Pilgore and Gargamoth are the only ones he's talked to us about so far. I'll keep you updated on any other chicken names. Because they're clearly insane.
ANYWAY, I miss my brother like absolute crazy. He still has another 22 months, and we only get snail mail and an email once a week. The phone is 100% off limits, unless it's Christmas or Mother's Day and even then, he doesn't get hours to talk. But if you know me at all, you know how close I am with my brother. He's my only sibling and my best friend. I've spent more than my share of time crying on the couch because I MISS him, or I accidentally called to tell him something hilarious and got his depressing voice mailbox. But I try to write him as much as I can, and Jeff and I have already sent him box upon box of Mt. Dew in the mail, which I hope he appreciates. Shiz ain't cheap.
But there's an even more depressing element. He will miss the birth of my son, his first nephew. The little guy who will make him an Uncle. Our baby will be a year and a half old when Tyson meets him. BUT, we plan to make sure we talk a lot about Ty and show the baby plenty of pictures so that the second he comes home, they can be best buds.
Aaaaand, I've hit my limit. If I talk about this any more, I will cry! Thanks, progesterone.

I miss my baby brother :(

My boobs, my cervix, and my son...

2011-01-05T14:37:00.002-07:00

... someday he's gonna CRINGE about being in the same sentence with my boobs and my cervix. But these are the facts.
*If you're an in-law, stop reading right now- you'll get the sensored version!*
Things with the pregnancy have been fairly routine, I finally stopped puking at about 5 1/2 months. Which means I've been (fairly) vomit free for a month and a half! (Math is hard. I'm 7 months pregnant, you're welcome) My newest thing is that the baby adores snuggling right up to my sciatic nerve. The term 'sciatic nerve', I'm pretty sure, is latin for "when your ass nerve catches on fire and burns your entire leg off, from the inside out." It feels super good. And it also does this fun thing, where sometimes my burned off leg will just stop working right in the middle of a nice stroll down the lane, and I'll stumble around like a drunk before finally catching my footing.
Speaking of urine (was I not speaking of it? I feel like I usually am), I've also learned that there's no possible way to just 'hold it' anymore. Because if the baby kicks a full bladder, I will absolutely 100% pee my pants. This may or may not have happened a good 3 times before I finally caught on (hint: it did happen that many times.)
Also, I broke my bra. No no no, my boobs broke my bra. They're massive. It's unlike anything I've ever seen, they're like from a horror movie. They terrify me and fascinate me all at the same time. And don't even get me started on Jeff, he adores them. Worships them, even. And it's torture, because he is not allowed NEAR them. They are filled with molten lava. Even walking around hurts too much because then they jiggle and the pain is agonizing. So, imagine how I felt when the underwire from my bra just popped out yesterday and skewered the sore, tender inside of my giant, engorged left boob. Pain doesn't even begin to describe it, it drew blood. And it's not like I can just take my bra off, it was 10am and I was at work. So I walked around with a cotton ball over the broken wire and winced every time I moved. And then I broke down and got a new bra at Kmart on the way home. Because cool kids shop at Kmart. And it was even on sale. I win.
Issue numero 4: The pressure in my cervix is unreal. I thought I was going to give birth on Sunday. BUT, when I went to the doctor for my 25 week appointment, I asked him about it and apparently, no big deal, it's just my pubic bone separating. And I looked at my doctor like he was nuts and I'm all, uh separating from WHAT, exactly? And he's all, oh itself. It needs to widen for the baby's head. And then I threw up, passed out, and died. Right on the exam table. Because I didn't know bones separated. That shit is unnatural. So, the point is, the pain is normal, and I just get to deal with it. Although he did give me a sheet with exercises on it that will help, but EFF exercises. Do I need to outline the sciatic nerve and boob issues for him? I'm doing the LEAST amount of moving that I can possibly get away with.
But, aside from all of that, I actually enjoy pregnancy ('enjoy' being a relative term). Jeff and I are at the fun part where we can buy him stuff and we already have his cradle set up in our room and I love to feel him kick, even though it pretty much always hurts because he's a ninja, and we're having fun with just all the planning. And I actually took a fairly hilarious video of my stomach having an earthquake, which shows that I do not exaggerate when I say he is all over the place. I can't tell exactly what the hell he's doing in there, but it makes my stomach look like one of those aliens from Alien is going to pop out at any minute and bite everyone's face off. And once I can get over posting a video of my big fat blobby white stomach as it rises and falls like the damn sea, I will. But until then, try not to picture it.

*After reading over this post, I decided two things:
1- I talk entirely too much about my boobs. Seriously.
and 2- This post makes it sound like I don't like my baby! I promise I do! I'm even starting to love the little karate master. I just find that no one is as honest about pregnancy as I'd have liked them to be, BEFORE I got pregnant. I wish I could have been better prepared for all the... MESSY stuff instead of just told that "it's a miracle" and "you'll want a hundred more" and "you'll love your child more than anything." Knowledge is power.
Which means this post is completely powerful.

Also, sometime this week I'm going to update this blog about things that have NOTHING TO DO WITH PREGNANCY! Because there's been a lot going on- my brother is gone for two looooong years, Jeff and I had an amazing and then depressing and then amazing-again Christmas and also, someone stole our porch chairs. Like I said. A LOT going on. Stay tuned!

... Survey says!

2010-10-22T15:38:00.001-06:00

Sprout is a BOY!
Which means 44% of my blog voters were correct!
I didn't want to admit this before we found out, but I was kind of rooting for a boy. Their teenage years seem a lot less chaotic than a girl's.. I'm taking that from nothing by own teenage-hood, which I'm sure, put my parents through complete hell, I was such a whiney ass. I do not want one of me.
And since this will be our ONLY child, seeing as how this pregnancy sucks and I refuse to do it again, I'm glad it's a boy.
And a big, beautiful, HEALTHY boy as well! Who just so happens to be hilarious, he kept trying to shove the umbilical cord in his mouth, which I think is unsanitary, but what can I even do about it? Ground him?
Anyway, it's a boy. And we could not be more excited!

A post in which I stop complaining for five seconds

2010-09-22T15:07:00.001-06:00

Today's monthly appointment started off by being completely TERRIFYING.
We weren't going to do an ultrasound, but the doctor was going to let us listen to Sprout's hearbeat, which we were SO excited for. So he squirts the goo on my stomach and presses in the hearbeat listener thing (super technical) and... nothing. He moves it around and around and starts furrowing his brow and muttering about not being able to find the heartbeat.
My stomach drops and my palms start sweating. I have that brick feeling in my gut and I swear I'm going to puke.
Jeff has a death grip on my hand and starts breathing hard.
We both have the same thought.
Somthing is wrong.

So after five mintues (which felt like an ETERNITY) of frantic searching for the whooshing sound of the heartbeat, and me going "S'it ok? Where is it? What's wrong? Holy shit" the doctor declares an emergency ultrasound and Jeff and I try to walk calmly across the hall to the ultrasound room. There's still goo on my stomach, so the tech just hurries and pushes the ultrasound wand to my belly and we all breathe a sigh of absolute RELIEF as our big, beautiful baby fills the screen.

The first thing we see are Sprout's arms reaching above his (he's a 'he' until I know otherwise, just because I don't like saying 'it') head and the tech goes "he's stretching!" He kicked, he rolled, he yawned, he generally wouldn't hold still for the two seconds it would have taken to get his heartbeat, and yes, I'll admit, I cried a little. Just from relief and happiness!

Sprout's ok! Just the right size, if a little on the big side, and active and healthy as can be.

We are so lucky.

Good riddance, first trimester, you douche

2010-09-16T16:36:00.004-06:00

I don't know what it is about pregnancy that makes me not want to blog.
Progesterone?
Anyway, I'm officially in my second trimester, and I almost feel even shittier than I ever have.
Yesterday, I threw up in my bowl of cereal. That I was still eating. Because it hit me that fast.
Someday I'm going to make my child read those last three sentences and then tell them to fetch me a sandwich and then clean the house, because damnit, kid, I barfed in my Lucky Charms for you, now make yourself useful!
Damn, I'm going to be a good mom.
Happy second trimester, Sprout!

Is this even normal?

2010-09-02T13:09:00.002-06:00

*Disclaimer- If graphic talk of vomit, poop, boobs, etc. disturbs you, please don't read this post. Pregnancy is gory*

When Jeff and I decided to start trying to have a baby, I had no idea what pregnancy would be like. But in my mind, I think I sort of made it seem like it would be all glowing skin and cute, swollen belly and strangers smiling and unicorns shitting Skittles.

But in REALITY?

My skin is not glowing, it's covered in blemishes.
My belly isn't swollen just in the front, it's swollen all around the sides and into my ass, making me look not so much pregnant, as whale-ish.
I've accidentally dipped my bangs into the puke that accumulates in the toilet more than a few dozen times a day.

And I. Am. MISERABLE.
All the time. 24/7.
I have hearburn.
A sense of constant nausea follows me around everywhere I go.
I've had three, THREE, kidney stones in my almost three months of pregnancy.
I'm constipated. I cannot poop. In fact, I haven't pooped in almost 4 days.
I am exhausted. Acting like I feel like a functioning human being at work- it saps every ounce of energy I have for the entire day. I spend 5pm until bedtime moaning on the couch and drinking my weight in ginger ale. I also occasionally cry and wonder if I'll ever feel normal again.
I'm covered in these random patches of dry, flaky, itchy skin on my torso and back (and yes, my butt- if you see me scratching my HUGE ASS, don't. say. a. word.) The doctor said it's normal, but it's annoying and it's making me feel like a monster.
My boobs hurt so much that I can no longer give hugs, sleep on my stomach, or dare to put my arms down just in case they graze side-boob. They are bulging over the top and sides of my bra, which I find just absurd. I'm not going to be breastfeeding for another 6 months, is it really necessary for them to start being all dramatic right now?
Oh my gosh, guys, I cry about everything, and that's not my only hyperdriven emotion. I know it's the most common one, but I also have an accelerated anger response and my feelings get hurt even more easily than they used to, which means that pretty much anything you say to me will make my lip quiver and my eyes well. If you don't already feel bad for Jeff, start.

But this little blob of floating gray matter:

When I saw this little sprout wiggle around and when I watched it's heart beat, as strong and as healthy as it could... it somehow makes everything worth it.

But please- tell me if feeling like complete shit is normal, or if there's really something wrong with me.

You heard it here first!

2010-08-04T15:57:00.001-06:00

Jeff and I are pleased (and shocked and excited and nervous and scared and completely, utterly, all-encompassingly happy) to announce that we are expecting our first child!
Baby Jensen is due April 2nd and is healthy and growing (as my first maternity appointment today indicated)!
As for me, I vomit more than I ever thought possible (I've had to check and make sure that I haven't actually thrown up the baby), and my back aches, and I keep getting these migraines right behind my eyeballs, and I'm so bloated that my wedding ring won't even fit anymore, and my boobs are so huge and sore, and every single smell makes me gag, and I'm completely miserable 100% of the time.

But I have absolutely never been more genuinely happy in my whole, entire life.

Now, please excuse me while I throw up the rest of my lunch.

Because I frequently cry in children's bookstores..

2010-07-10T22:20:00.002-06:00

Jeff and I went to Barnes and Noble today and for some reason, we found ourselves in the children's books, where we ran into Jeff's sister Jodi and her family (hi, guys!) and then took turns reading our favorite childhood books. Of course, we wound up in the Dr. Seuss section. That dude made nothing but classics.

Anyway, we started reading his book, "Oh, The Places You'll Go" and I swear. I almost started crying. The truthfulness of it hit me really hard all of a sudden, it was something I'd never noticed before.

Soooo, I bought it. Haha! I'm keeping it nice, and plan on reading it to my child (you know.. when I have one :)) every. Single. Day. It contains almost everything I'd ever want them to know.

Read below, and plan on being blown away by a simple kid's book.

Congratulations!

Today is your day,

The places you'll go!

So... get on your way!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sites!

You'll join the high fliers!

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to says so

but, sadly, it's true

that bang-ups

and hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a lurch.

You'll come down from the lurch

wuth an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a slump.

And when you're in a slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you should go in, should you turn left or right...

or right-and-three-quaters? Or maybe not quite?

Or go around and back and sneak from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most usless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a yes or a no

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a better break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or another chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where boom bands are playing.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.

All alone!

Whether you like it or not.

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, theres a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though you arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up of course,

as you already know.

You'll get mixed up

with many stray birds as you go.

So be sure when you step,

step with care and great tact

and remember that life's

a great balancing act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent garanteed!)

Kid, you'll move mountains!

So...

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

You're off to great places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there

in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,

don't worry. Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

Oh!

Fine, I'll Make You a Deal..

2010-07-02T16:43:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I'm not the most patriotic person ever. Who cares? With the economy and the oil spills and the dead baby seals, the whole damn world is going to hell in a handbasket anyway, so what do I care?

However, my husband is enamored with fireworks. And don't get me wrong, I enjoying blowing shit up just as much as the next person, but it's considerably less fun when you're just watching someone else blow it up. And taking proper safety precautions. Half the fun of fireworks is running around with a lit firecracker clenched in your fist and screaming "WATCH THIS, GUYS!" before hurling it into the air at exactly the time it explodes. It takes talent to time that shit correctly.

Which is why I'm going to be a stellar parent.

Anyway, so Jeff asks if I think it would be fun to go watch fireworks on Saturday with a bunch of his friends. And I smile and say "Sure!" through super clenched teeth, because I love Jeff's friends, don't get me wrong, but some of their wives/girlfriends/whatever just rub me the wrong way. Especially the one that, in a really roundabout way, called me fat. Which I have a huge complex about anyway. But I'd like to think I'm not fat..

Although that pooch? I dunno, maybe.

The point is, I don't want to go. And I'm pretty sure I'm the best wife ever, because I'm sucking it up and doing it anyway..

However, I may or may not have made a trade off- If I hang out with Jeff's friends' stupid girlfriends, he has to let me have a baby.
So, Jeff.. ? NO TAKESIES-BACKSIES, DUDE!

And besides, Jeff would kill me

2010-06-25T11:30:00.002-06:00

Lord, I hate the gynecologist. There's just something about being violated seven ways to Sunday that irks me. But all in all, it was a relatively boring appointment, the doctor said I have one hell of a healthy uterus (good thing, I think, although I try not to think too awfully much about my uterus), except for the fact that I had to sit in the middle of a crowded waiting room for a hundred thousand hours surrounded by mountains of newborn babies. And my stomach clenched up and my heart started pounding and my ovaries screeched to a grinding halt, and screamed "IT'S TIME, BITCH!!"
And what can you do in that situation besides listen to your ovaries? They can be assholes if you don't.

Anyway, that's not an announcement or anything. Just an observation. An aching, hungry observation.

Surprise!

2010-06-18T14:17:00.001-06:00

Did you all just collectively poop your pants?
Yes, I'm back. Back from the hell of completely tearing apart and then remodeling a home. I also acquired some new shit and some funny stories along the way, so be excited for that.
Unfortunately, no. This post will not contain pictures of the new place, because while it's 99% done, there's still that pesky 1% that's taking longer than I thought. But we're living there full time now and absolutely adoring it and swimming in our pool every effing day and I couldn't be happier. I really couldn't.

In other news:
- Jeff started his internship with a local radio station (x96's Radio From Hell morning show) doing their marketing and advertising and he loves it. We're keeping our fingers crossed that it leads to a career there, but even if it doesn't, he graduates in December and is so qualified and capable that I'm not even worried about him finding work.
- Speaking of work, I am so blissfully happy with my new promotion at my job, that it's almost sickening. Seriously, I don't cry on Sunday nights anymore because I have to go to work the next day. I enjoy it (and I also enjoy the extra mooooolah), I'm good at what I do, and no more public transportation, WHOOP!
- Jeff humored the hell out of me when he let me talk him into getting two baby frogs! The aqarium and the frogs and a year supply of froggy food was on sale for $40 bucks at Brookstone and I was like, I will be going home with frogs and then twenty mintues of begging and foot stomping later, and I went home with frogs! Their names are Flora and Festus and they absolutely hate my guts. The frequency of my voice makes them dart behind their giant rock, and anytime I even dare to so much as cast a shadow across their aquarium they react like I'm trying to cut their throats. But I still love them and if it weren't for the fact that I could contract salmonella from touching them (thanks, WebMD!), I'd cuddle them daily.
- My Blackberry went MIA last week and I frantically called Target (where I'd just bought a new swimsuit, becuase ain't no way in the firey depths of hell that my chubby bod could sport the string bikini I wore last year) and they hadn't seen it and it wasn't in my car or at my mom's house and so I cried and cried and then I broke down and bought an iPhone. Poor me. On the upside, I got this wicked aweosme app called Dragon Dictation and when you speak into it, it'll type whatever you say. So I've spent the last week speaking curse words very loudly and clearly into my phone, and the good news is, Dragon Dictation knows all the curse words! The bad news is, it substitutes all the vowels in said curse words, with *. Dumbest sh*t ever.

So, I'm pretty sure that's all the news I have for now. But I'll be back on Monday to talk about my super fun trip to the gynecologist, YAY!

3 Reasons Why I'm Totally Stressed Out

2010-04-19T15:08:00.002-06:00

Aaaaaaand, another hiatus. I don't know why anyone acts surprised anymore when this happens.
Anyway, this post isn't going to be nearly as pessimistic as the title suggests, quite the opposite in fact. Because every single stress on this list is temporary and will go away soon, yay!
But until they go away, everyone needs to just shut up and let me wallow even though yes I know it will give me high blood pressure (hi, Jeff!), yes I know it's the reason I have a weakened immune system (hi, Dr. I-Know-Everything-Even-Though-I-Only-Work-At-The-Insta-Care-And-Am-Therefore-Not-Even-A-Real-Doctor) and yes, I know Jeff is a saint for putting up with me (hi, mom!), but I already know! Sooooo.. thanks!

1. The fact that Jeff and I have to start packing like, now, even though we still aren't sure on the actual closing date. The loan guy, Quinn, "submitted the loan to the underwriters" (whatever the hell that means) and said that we should know the exact closing date by the end of the day tomorrow. But he and our realtor, Darcy (hi, Darcy!) are both pretty sure it will be by the end of this month. And I'm not 100% sure how you all pack up and move, but it's a process for me. I have to schedule in a bunch of mini-breaks so that I can cry and tell Jeff that it was a mistake, IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE WHY DID WE DECIDE WE COULD HANDLE THIS!? while he calms me down and slips a Lorazepam into my Diet Pepsi.

2. We need to do, ahem, quite a bit on the new place. Lots (and lots) of cleaning, the installation of smoke detectors (which I fought tooth and nail because I'm shallow and I find them unsightly. "But not as unsightly as your charred and smoldering body" says Jeff. Well played, Husband. Well played.), some pipe in the damn kitchen sink needs repaired, we need to rip out and replace the closet doors in both bedrooms and the vanity in the bathroom, and paint. But like I said before, it's going to be friggin' adorable when we're done!

3. The down payment and closing cost funds have us pretty wiped out. Let me just say that Jeff and I have done pretty damn well for ourselves and it's not like we're poor. But it is not an exaggeration when I say that the sound of our savings account as it weeps sometimes keeps me up at night. I just have to keep reminding myself of that $8,000 tax credit, which means we'll have our savings back, plus a little extra. Which sounds lame, people are like "what are you going to spend the extra $8,000 on!?" and we're like, uuuu.. it's going directly into savings and staying there. I have the money spending habits of an 80 year old spinster.

Oops. I've just wasted 15 minutes that I could have spent packing. Packing. Because we're moving. Because I just bought a home. HOLY MOTHER OF HELL, WHAT WERE WE THINKING!?

'Bout Damn Time

2010-03-30T16:12:00.003-06:00

We put an offer on a condo yesterday.
And finally.
It was ACCEPTED!

We are officially under contract and I swear, I could not be more excited!

We're almost homeowners!

Now, I know what you're going to ask so yes, I'm posting a few pictures of the outside of the unit and of the pool and stuff. But I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT post pictures of the inside until Jeff and I are finished with it. I want "before's" and "after's" so everyone can oooh and aaah and be impressed. Don't get me wrong, it's really cute the way it is, but I plan on it being a billion times more cute. A billion. My goals are lofty and my hopes are high.

Here it is!:

Our unit is the one on the top right.

Jeff and I are so beyond excited for this pool. We'll be buying matching deck chairs and going swimming

EVERYDAY after I get home from work.

The Monday 13- A YouTube Collection, Volume One

2010-03-22T22:34:00.006-06:00

I want to start this post by answering the most pressing question that this blog has ever seen:
You can watch old episodes of Rescue 911 by going to Youtube and typing in Rescue 911. There. Now don't you all feel silly?
Anyway, the fact that this is passing as acceptable Monday 13 material is a testament to how busy and stressed out I am. I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again we found a place we loved and once again we didn't get it. However we're putting an offer on our third choice on Friday, and God help the entire real estate community if we don't get it. I will go completely nut basket.
Anyway, I'm going to start doing these when I'm too busy or lazy to do a real post. Also, this way you all get a post completely free of my whining! Win win!
So, this is a random smattering of YouTube videos that I find funny/entertaining/worthy of mention.
Enjoy.

*Update- I tried re-sizing these videos a kadrillion times and Youtube is being a bitch. So, you know.. deal with it.

1. I Laughed Until I Cried

2. Wrong Way

3. Total Eclipse- Literal Version

4. Talking Dogs

5. The Landlord

6. Blind Or Gay? Or Both?

7. Ass Kicking Toddler

8. Most Hilarious Commercial I've Ever Seen

9. Brett, You Got It Goin' On

10. Auto Insurance

11. I Just Wish I Knew What They Were Talking About

12. Hand On Your Heart- I Love This Song

13. Boys Will Be Boys

Microwaved Pon-Pon Chicken

2010-03-15T22:07:00.001-06:00

I'm in a record breaking foul mood.

It's Monday night, and I'm home alone watching a bunch of old ass episodes of Rescue 911 and eating leftover chinese food. Oh and pouting. Pouting a lot. Someone stole my dream house right out from under my nose and every other place we've looked at either reeks of cigarette smoke or is crawling with cats or has tested positive for meth (I'm not kidding, I couldn't even make that up).

The funny thing is that Jeff and I decided to buy a house like, 3 weeks ago. And I'm already expecting to not only be in love with a place, but to have closed on it and be moved in and live happily ever after. Much like how, 3 hours after Jeff proposed to me, I was already panicking because no one had scheduled the reception center for the wedding yet. Irrational? Yeah, that's me.

Anyway, the point is, I'm sure I could come up with 13 reasons why buying a home is the most soul crushing experience that one will ever go through, but I just dosed myself to the gils with anti-anxiety medication and my fingers are tingly.

And since misery loves company, please tell me any and all of your real estate horrors. I need to hear them.

Milestone

2010-03-12T11:37:00.001-07:00

Jeff and I were recently approved for a loan (because my credit is bitchin'- 780, baby!) and now the terrifying... soul-crushing... horrifying process of HOUSE HUNTING can commence. Jeff and I found a few places that we're looking pretty seriously at, but we're still open to look (so, if you know any awesome places in Salt Lake County for a modest price.. lemme know!).
But it's funny, I've been pushing to start this process since Jeff and I got married, and he was always like, ugh I don't want to deal with it, it's gonna be so stressful, blah blah blah. But now that we're finally at this point, Jeff is Mr. Cool, Calm, and Collected, chatting and joking with the loan guy and our realtor and I'm the one huddled in the corner of an open house, rocking back and forth and muttering to myself about FHA's and short sales and suicide.
But despite all the melt-downs, it's a pretty exciting, exhilirating process. I never dreamed I'd be in a position to become a homeowner before the age of 25, but here I am!
Did I mention terrified?

13 Things You'll Never Hear Me Say- Alternate Title: It's Opposite Day

2010-03-08T09:46:00.002-07:00

1. Well, all the laundry's done!

2. I wish I could lose this tan.

3. Of course, honey, I'd love to watch another game of football with you!

4. I think I'm getting too muscular.

5. I got to sleep in today!

6. Forget the t-shirt and jeans, I think I want to dress up.

7. Let's listen to endless amounts of country music!

8. I'm tired of omelettes and wantons.

9. The octopus is such a majestic creature!

10. I'm too busy to watch 900 episodes of Criminal Minds on Hulu.

11. It sure would be nice to grow some more hair on my face.

12. I'm so over Call of Duty.

13. These size 2 jeans are too loose. Let me try the zero.

One Year Down

2010-02-26T19:34:00.001-07:00

On February 26th, 2009, I married you. My best friend, the love of my life, the man of my dreams. I have so much to thank you for.

Thank you for not shoving cake in my face.

Even though I was sooooo mean to you.

Thank you for saying you find skinny girls gross.

Thank you for agreeing with me, even when we both know I'm completely wrong.

Thank you for always responding to my melt-downs by cleaning the house. It's always the right response.

Thank you for worrying when I forget to call when I'm supposed to.

Thank you for the songs you write. The ones that make me sure I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Thank you for finding my awkward sense of humor so hilarious.

Thank you for not having an awkward sense of humor.

Thank you for always convincing me that it's their problem. Because they're jealous.

Thank you for supporting me in every decision I ever make. For working so hard so that someday I don't have to. For apologizing when I think you won't. For telling me every day that you love me and that I'm beautiful.

And thank you for making our first year together the best year of my life.

I love you, Jeff.

13 Things Meatloaf Wouldn't Do For Love

2010-02-17T20:37:00.003-07:00

If you haven't heard this song (really? Where were you in the 80's?) then watch the following video before proceeding any further.

This song came on my iPod today on my way home from work (oh yeah, I have Meatloaf on my iPod. Don't even worry about it) and I immediately started getting anxious, as I always do when this song comes on. Because I cannot ever figure out what the hell he's talking about. I feel like grabbing his abnormally large shoulders and shrieking "WHAT WON'T YOU DO, YOU BIG SCARY MAN!?"
So I've decided to put my own curiosity to rest and make this list.
If you feel you have a better idea of what he won't do for love, please feel free to add on!

List of things that Meatloaf would NEVER do for love:

1. Co-sign a loan

2. Wear a matching sweater with you for the Christmas card.

3. Hold your purse for you in public.

4. Clip his nasty-ass, yellow fingernails.

5. Anything that had anything to do with Twilight. Period. Meatloaf wouldn't be into that.

6. Accompany you to salsa dancing lessons.

7. Watch your cat, Poofy (or whatever people name cats) while you're out of town.

8. Go to the store by himself to purchase tampons and leg wax for you, no matter how nicely you asked.

9. Attend your grandmother's 80th birthday party and act like he was enjoying himself.

10. Sell his motorcycle for a more sensible family vehicle.

11. Do anal.

12. Miss band practice for Lamaze classes.

13. Put the toilet seat down.

My Bad

2010-02-16T21:57:00.001-07:00

Oops, no Monday 13. My bad. I'll do one tomorrow, I swear.
In my defense, though, I didn't have work on Monday (President's Day.. although I'm pretty sure I can only name like 4 actual presidents.. I suck at being American), which officially doesn't even make it a real Monday. And aside from that, I forgot it was Monday.
Which means I've been walking around all day today thinking it was Monday. Which would make today Fake Monday. And I didn't even do a Fake Monday 13. So I double lose. BUT today I spent the day training for the new position at my job (the one with the pay raise and more responsibility and no more taking the train and also a pay raise, did I mention pay raise?) which I'm beyond psyched about. I don't officially start the new position and the location change until April, though. Which still means I get to rub elbows with the homeless on public transportation, but at least now there's an end in sight.
And then after work, my mother and I did a jigsaw puzzle (of sunflowers. Because we rule. Although, give us some credit, because there were a shitload of yellow pieces, and we still rocked that puzzle's world) and watched Dr. Phil, so it wasn't exactly a super productive night, but we had fun, so who cares?

The whole point of this was just to say that I totally realized I've slacked and that there will indeed be a Monday 13 tomorrow.

13 Reasons Why I Hate The Dentist With The White-Hot Rage Of 10,000 Suns

2010-02-09T22:43:00.002-07:00

Written yesterday, 3 hours before the dentist visit

I have to go to the dentist today, to get one cavity filled (which isn't too bad, considering I haven't been to the dentist in upwards of 7 years) and get a yucky old filling in a different tooth replaced. Because it's yucky and old.
And, no joke, the dental assistant just called me to confirm the appointment, and I cried to her. She was all "uhhh..." and I was like "I WILL PUNCH THE DENTIST IN THE FACE IF I FEEL EVEN A SLIGHT BIT OF PAIN, SO HELP ME LORD" sooo.. pretty sure she's warned everyone and now I'm gonna get my ass strapped papoose style to the damn chair.

Written today, 24 hours after the dentist visit

1. The smell of a dentist's office is unlike any other scent in the world. Antiseptics, rubber gloves, toothpaste, and the subtle underlying odor of pure, unadulterated horror. My dentist, in a futile effort to rid the waiting area of this putridity, had about one billion candles and Glade mist sprayers and the like scattered around the room. But it didn't work. I walked in and immediately felt like I was gonna pass out.

2. The waiting part of the waiting room. Where I sit there tapping my foot, ass cheeks clenched, pulse racing, and listen to the drills in the back room. Drilling inside other people's mouths. Soon to be drilling in my own mouth. And then I barf a little (but not really... but almost).

3. Where they take you and your bored husband to wait in a different room. Only this one has a chair that's decorated with a fascinating array of torture devices. This is fun, because you're then allowed to examine each device individually and ponder it's purpose and it's capacity for pain. And allllllll the different ways it can make you cry.

4. The sissy Oragel they squeeze on a Q-Tip and rub on the area where they're gonna stab you with a shot. The stuff does nothing to ease the pain of a three foot long needle being inserted directly into your jaw bone, I don't even know why they bother.

5. I feel like I need to reiterate this one. The pain of a three foot long needle being inserted directly into your jaw bone. Take a second before moving on to number six and let that just rattle around your brain. It hurts like CRAZY, yeah, but just thinking about it gives me the absolute CREEPS.

6. When the jackasses ask you questions after making absolutely sure you're unable to even keep drool in your mouth, let alone carry on a conversation. They're such jerk offs. Do they do this on purpose? Every time they'd ask me something (like "where do you work?" and "how long have you been married?" and "on a scale from one to ten, how much did that hurt"?) (which, to answer your question, a TENNN) I would just stare at them, make a feeble attempt to slurp all my slobber back in my mouth and then pretend like I didn't hear anything.

7. The noises. There are some just plain awful noises in a dentist's office. My dad has an electric wood planer that makes the exact same sounds as the drill that bounced around inside my mouth and off my gums. And the dentist has the audacity to say "ok, this might feel a little bumpy".. yeah, you cockwaffle. Just a little.

8. Because the anesthetic made my body react in a super funky way (I twitched and jerked like I was coming off meth) I was given fabulously high levels of nitrous oxide to counteract it. But that's not the sucky part, in fact it was damn delightful. And I'd accidentally taken 3 Lorazepam before the appointment because I was afraid of having a complete meltdown in public. So it was double nice! However, according to my husband (who was forced into the room with me because "IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME IN THERE, JEFF, I NEED A WITNESS TO DOCUMENT IT,") the nitrous oxide made me a little more than friendly. He says that while we waited for the filling to set, I petted his face (petted it! I know! Insane!) and that I giggled at anything that was said by anyone. Which annoys me now, because I don't want that self-righteous dentist to think that I actually found him amusing.

9. I'm fast becoming addicted to pain killers.

10. The part where my numb, bored tongue wandered over directly into the dentist's drill. And now there's a huge chunk right out of the tip of my tongue. It hurts BEYOND what you would normally think a tongue cut hurts. Orrrrrr maybe I'm just a huge sissy. But either way, it makes me sound like I have a lisp, so at least that's fun.

11. That, as I was escorted from the chair, I tripped and almost fell ass over face into the lap of the bemused dental assistant. Everyone can suck it, though, my legs felt like rubber. According to Jeff, this is one of the things that I found positively hysterical and I laughed about it for a good 10 minutes.

12. That rusty taste of dried blood that doesn't leave your mouth for at least seven hours. Which is the most disgusting thing (aside from chocolate SlimFast) in the whole world ever.

13. The part where Jeff awkwardly props me up against the receptionist's desk (because I can't even stand, what with all the nitrous oxide and the Lorazepam and the adrenaline all battling it out inside my veins) and I'm forced to pay those mother effers $600 for the privilege of feeling like I've just been pistol whipped by Tony Montana (I hope you all get my Scarface reference... because I feel like pretty tough shit for making one.)

Because I'm A Friggin' Sissy- But We Already Knew This.

2010-02-08T19:20:00.001-07:00

The Monday 13 will be a Tuesday 13 this week. Why?
BECAUSE I WAS JUST ASSAULTED. By my dentist. I'm currently drooling a pink, milky SlimFast spittle down the side of my numb face and onto my White Snake t-shirt and feeling sorry for myself because Jeff had a performance tonight and can't wait on me hand and foot. Every time I speak, I end up gnawing on my completely numb tongue, which is pleasant. Anyway, after 4 hours of nitrous oxide and 3 Lorazepam, I'm ready for bed (AND YES- I KNOW IT'S 7:30 PM, BUTDON'TJUDGEME).

Anyway, coming up tomorrow- 13 something something about the dentist blah blah blah.
Don't touch that dial!

13 Ways I Like To Relax When I Get Home From An Effing Long Day At Work- In Order

2010-02-01T22:19:00.002-07:00

1. Walk in the door, drop my purse on the floor in the entryway and let out a groan that only be described as gutteral. Or maybe primal. Or maybe just really really sad.

2. Jeff bee-bops down the stairs (he does. He bee-bops. I'll show you sometime) and gives me a giant bear hug, during which he asks me questions like "hey, hon! How was your day!?" or "aww, aren't you so glad to be home!?" or "I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm the most optimistic person who's ever existed anywhere in the world ever!" and in response, I let out a series of grunts to show my dissatisfaction at being slapped in the face with positivity.

3. Go upstairs and change into "comfy clothes" (which usually means sweat pants and whichever 80's metal band t-shirt is clean) while Jeff gets me a plate of whatever's for dinner. I know! He makes dinner! Partly because I don't know how to cook (I know, I'm charming), but mostly because he's sweet. Granted, dinner is usually a PB&J or Hamburger Helper or Ramen Noodles, but still! Dinner!

4. Once I've eaten, I'm usually slightly less homicidal (usually), and Jeff and I discuss our days. He tells me what he learned in his classes and I tell him what (if any) insane thing happened at work and then about all the crazies on the train. Who we've recently come up with nicknames for, because I'm tired of saying "you know that stinky homeless guy I told you about last time?" If we just assume his name is Barry, that's a lot less words.

5. We go our seperate ways. Oh yeah. Jeff usually either plays a sports game on the Wii (LAME) or works on any of his recording projects, and I snuggle in our huge bed with the laptop and watch illegally downloaded episodes of 48 Hours Mystery and American Justice and Cold Case Files, ad nauseum while working on my 2,000 piece online jigsaw puzzle. I think it's pretty safe to assume that I'm an 80 year old woman.

6. Eventually tire of that routine (because, lets face it, it's a fairly boring one) and do housework. Which doesn't sound like it would be a relaxing way to spend my day after work, but it can be. I can't sleep at night when my house is dirty. Because then what if Jeff and I are murdered in our sleep? I don't want the poor cops tramping through a filthy house! What will they think of me!? I will be so embarrassed! Exclamation point!

7. Chatting on the phone with my mom for upwards of 2 hours. Whining about the day, talking trash on mutual friends/family members, and obsessing over incredible amounts of celebrity gossip and whichever murder is currently front and center in the news. This is probably not great karma. But do I look like I give two shits about karma? (that probably wasn't good karma either.. oops).

8. Download another million apps onto my iPod Touch. Only the free ones, though, because EFF paying $1.99 for a car racing game when I can get a free paper tossing game for FREE. Because it's free. Also, it's free. They load new ones on there like, all the damn time, so I'm always downloading them and then if they're lame, I can just delete them. But I've found a TON of cool ones that I'd never have thought were all that cool. If you have one, download the free Red Block Remover something something game. I can't remember what it's called, but it's something like that and trust me, you won't regret it!

9. Get everything ready for the morning. Mornings are a very dark and emotional time for me, during which I'm only semi-coherent and will cut corners on absolutely everything. So I like to have some idea of clothes, hair and breakfast ready before bed or else it's a pretty good bet that I'll end up in pajama pants (yelling "all you said was not to wear jeans, damnit! to my boss), my hair will end up all chopped off onto the bathroom floor, and I'll be eating my breakfast directly out of a bag of Doritos and a spoonful of Jet Puffed Marshmallow Sauce. Again. I'm such a delight.

10. Wash my nasty mascara off (it's the only make-up I wear.. I hate make-up), floss and brush my teeth (for the 3rd time of the day), and take my crazy person pills. Because without them..? Pooooooor Jeff.

11. Climb in bed as early as I possibly can (read, "never any earlier than midnight, DAMNIT")

12. Kiss my wonderful, handsome, amazing husband goodnight.

13. Fall asleep and dream about the next day in paradise!

13 Of My Favorite Shows On T.V.- And, Of Course, WHY!

2010-01-25T20:12:00.002-07:00

1. Snapped. It's on Oxygen and every episode is the true story of a different woman who absolutely loses it and kills her husband. It makes Jeff soooo nervous when I watch this show. I tell him I like it because it gives me lots of awesome ideas. And then whenever he gets on my nerves, I just hum the Snapped theme song and he stops whatever he's doing. HAHAHA!! I'm the worst wife ever!

2. Clean House. But only the episodes with Neicy Nash, because she's completely off her nut. Anyway, the premise of this show is that they go to these messy people's nasty freakin houses with their clutter and their junk and it's gross and funny and it makes me feel better about not getting around to vacuuming and then they make the people have this giant yard sale for all their crap and then they take the money they make at the garage sale and completely re-do the whole house. And they're gorgeous afterwards! But you've just gotta wonder how clean these people keep the house afterward, because is a bunch of new furniture really going to stop years and years of gross hoarding habits? Mmmmm, doubtful. Too bad they don't do follow-ups. I'd watch that shiz.

3. GLEE! I love Glee! I'm a Gleek! I have a huge crush on Mr. Shuster and I love all the Glee kids and the gay one and the wheelchair one and Rachel and Puck and the illegitimate love child and sheeeeeeeesh. Sit-com musical. Doesn't get better than that.

5. Family Guy. I know that's cliched because everyone loves Family Guy, but I just really really do. It's crude and obscene and an alcoholic dog and an overweight dad and a homicidal infant, not to mention the greased up deaf guy. My brother and I have gone halfsies on every single season, and all the spin-offs, and the Star Wars Family Guy parodies.

6. Scrubs. Because it's unbelievably funny and because I can relate to Elliot- the slightly paranoid, neruotic with no self-esteem and an inability to use the 'actual terms' for genitalia. Instead, she says peep and bajingo and I say poozle and cooter.

7. America's Next Top Model. And only the elimination part, which is like, the last 15 minutes. I find the drama and the screaming and the "Oh no she DI'INT!" absolutely riveting and I love when Tyra transforms from an educated and accomplished African American woman to a gangsta street thug ho in a fraction of a nano second. The minute she gets pissed off, it's all finger snapping and head jerking and ebonics. It's hysterical. Seriously, do yourself a favor, tune in to the Oxygen Channel on a Sunday afternoon and turn that frown upside down!

8. Law and Order: SVU. Because, hello Detective Stabler! There is nothing sexier than a sexy crime fighter. Period.

9. Desperate Housewives. My mom and I started watching this on our weekly Tuesday night bitch fests (otherwise known as OMG, IT'S GIRLS NIGHT, EEEE!!!) and even though we're only on the second season, I am absolutely obsessed with this show. And then I go home to Jeff and he asks me how my night was and it's a flood of "well, Bree's son ran over Carlos' mom and now she's in a coma and then it turns out that Gabby is pregnant but she doesn't know who the father is even though she's married to Carlos, because SURPRISE, she's sleeping with the under-age yard guy and then Bree's husband drops dead and everyone thinks she poisoned him, but really it was the pharmacist because turns out he's in love with Bree and on top of all that, Susan is in love with a convicted killer! But to be fair, he's hot and it was manslaughter." and Jeff's like, hmm. Sounds fun.

10. Intervention. This is gonna sound awful, but I've never really been concerned with that sort of thing. The reason I like this show is because after watching it, I feel soooo damn good about myself. I'm not a crack addict, or an alcoholic and I'm also not a stripper or a prostitute. I WIN AT LIFE!

11. A&E Biography. But only of serial killers, not of just the privileged celebrity brats. I like knowing what went on in a serial killer's childhood that made them able to slice and dice another human being without batting an eye. Especially because, statistically, most of them are so damn quiet and unassuming. This does not mean I'm creepy. OKAY!? I'M NOT CREEPY.

12. Similary, Criminal Minds. I like it because it's not as freakin' cheesy as some of the other crime shows on T.V. Like, eff CSI, it's all complete bologna. Anyway, I like it because it ties directly in with the psychology of a killer, because they're criminal psychologists. Duh. Which, if you don't know, is my dream career. A criminal profiler, or psychologist, I find it all beyond fascinating.

13. Anything on QVC. I don't know why I get giddy watching Joan Rivers sell jewelry (even though she looks eerily like an over-botoxed duck) and listening to all the old ladies call in and talk about the elegance and versatility of the ruby studded ladybug earrings.

9 Reasons Why I'm In No Mood To Do The Monday 13

2010-01-18T22:40:00.003-07:00

1. I had to go grocery shopping today after work, and if you know me at all, you know that spending money makes me nervous and paranoid. I will obsess over every single purchase, and calculate the ounces versus the price and then compare to the different brands because I absolutely HAVE to get the best deal or I will SHIT and then when I'm finally in the checkout line, I start getting grocery envy while staring at the selections of the housewife in front of me. Like, wait, where are there double fudge dipped Oreos and are they on sale?

2. Because I don't know if you guys know this, but 13 is kind of a lot of numbers! What the hell was I thinking when I started this thing?!

3. We had to do billing at work today. Which we do once a month and I'm really not going to explain it because it sounds a little like this:
Blah blah blah, spreadsheets, blah blah blah, Microsoft Excel, blah blah, yelling, blah blah blah, soul-crushing monotony, blah blah. Except, add exhaustion and the overwhelming sense that you're contributing nothing whatsoever to the rest of mankind, except occasional methane gas and all the pollution from my car. And, you know.. my blog.

4. I'm so close to finishing this book and it's really not that great of a book (which is why I won't tell you what it is.. I don't talk shit) and since I can't just stop reading a book right in the middle of it, I have to finish. The sooner I read the last damn couple of boring ass chapters, the sooner I can move on to a book that won't force me to re-read one sentence 500 times because I keep getting preoccupied thinking about.. well, pretty much anything.

5. I just started my period. Like, literally all of 5 minutes ago. And there's no outlet to plug in the heating pad, because the laptop is plugged into one and my iPod Touch is charging in the other. And I don't want to move to a different outlet because this one is close to the stash of candy hidden on the side of my bed. I mean, shit, guys. I have priorities.

6. Because I don't feel witty or fun. And sometimes that's all it takes to make the mood go away.

7. Scrubs is on. And I've completely become obsessed with this show. I watch it over and over until Project Free Tv tells me that I've watched 72 minutes of free tv already and need to wait another 54 minutes or click here to purchase an account and enjoy unlimited viewing pleasure. Which, EFF THAT. Soooo then I'll switch to YouTube and watch full episodes of Intervention until my 54 minutes is up. And that, my friends, has become my life.

8. It's late. And I'm exhausted because I haven't been sleeping well. I watched Paranormal Activity the other night and now I'm scared that a demonic presence is going to drag me down the hall by my foot, possess my overweight body, and force me to kill my annoying but well-meaning boyfriend and hurl his body at an upright camera and sound system that's conveniently placed in our bedroom. Oops. Spoiler alert.
The point is, I'm tired. And every time Jeff snores, I have to keep myself from dousing him with holy water.

9. Because it's my blog! And I do what I want!

Hope you all had a better Monday than I did.
If not, feel free to join me in my pity party. Just bring the cake.

Because My Head Needed To Be Slightly More Inflated

2010-01-15T16:14:00.001-07:00

I got an 'honorable mention' on a fellow blogger's Top 5 Favorite Blogs list. Needless to say, Jeffrey Rodriguez and his blog (cleverly named) jigsawdust are my new best friends forever. To quote an excerpt, ahem:

Lindsey Kirth Jensen is a young Mormon girl who should be a professional comedy writer. She doesn't realize the talent for the written word that she possesses. She is a hilarious hypochondriac with not-quite high enough self-esteem. Her self-deprecating humor is truly endearing. She reminds me of a female Seinfeld, always able to find funny in the mundane happenings of life. She is a beautiful person married to a musician who shares the same first name as yours truly. I discovered her blog through The Friendly Atheist blog. She disappeared for a while, but she has recently revived her writing, and I am looking forward to more 'Monday 13' lists for years to come.

See? Best friend. Thanks, Jeffrey!

On a completely different note, it's been kind of an awesome day. IKNOW,RIGHT!? First time I think that those words have ever escaped this pessimist's lips. And yet, all the ingredients for a great day have been there! The sun is finally showing it's sorry ass after record breaking smog, not a single one of my bosses have yelled at me (which, as we all know, is a friggin' miracle in and of itself), my hair looks fab, and I had lunch at a sandwich place that sold white chocolate Toblerones. With honey and almont nougat. Sooooo, I ate one of them. Because I have zero self control. And also, they're delicious.

Anyway, here's to a (hopefully, but don't count on it) awesome weekend!
Catch you bitches on the flip! (Meaning, um.. Monday)

13 Awesome New Years Resolutions That I'm Totally Going To Accomplish And Not Forget About Halfway Through February

2010-01-11T23:23:00.001-07:00

1. Don't get myself fired! This one sounds really easy in theory, but may actually end up being a little more complicated than that. I have a teensy problem with authority.

2. Throw out all the clothes from junior high school that I'll clearly never fit into again. They're taking up space and they're soooo depressing. Also, hit up Lane Bryant and get myself a bunch of those comfy stretch pants that flatten out the cellulite. Oh, p.s., fun fact of the day: I read somewhere reliable that if you knead your cellulite like bread dough, it'll go away. I'm kneading like nuts.

3. Get more social. Which is never going to happen if I continue to spend my time sitting on my ass and whining to the internet about how huge it is.

4. Stop neglecting this damn blog. Every single day, without fail, something happens and I'm like 'that was hilarious/memorable/life-changing and I should totally write that down on my blog' and then every damn day when I sit down with my (Jeff's) laptop to write, I draw a complete blank. So I got a cute little notebook that fits in my giant sling purse so that I can jot down the random thoughts as soon as they come into my head. This notebook will be priceless someday to the future generations when they try to analyze what life was like in 2010. They can look at my notebook and figure that we were all a bunch of schizophrenic ass-scratchers harboring bizarre fascinations with farts and serial killers. What a legacy.

5. Lose weight- I know, I know, everyone always says this, but I'm serious. If this is going to work then I have to be honest and honestly.. I weigh 142 lbs. I know. I need to lose 30 of it, stat! So, I'm going to start being better about dusting off the ole' Wii Fit and eating more apples and less Butterfingers. *sigh*

6. Get more sleep. I'm averaging about 5 hours a night at the moment and it's making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm a quivering ball of stress and anxiety and that's when I get a full 9 hours of shut-eye. Throw a few restless nights into the mix and I'm a babbling, incoherent zombie bent, not on human flesh, but on the desire to make everyone intimately aware of how annoyed I am. And not only that, but if I'm not getting any sleep, then you better believe that neither is my husband. I'm not quiet about it. I'll keep him up just as long as I'm up, forcing him to discuss existential issues and the formation of boogers with me. So for his sake as well as mine, I really hope this works.

7. Don't get pregnant! Again, another one that only sounds like it would be easy. I know babies are expensive and I know they're assloads of work, but every time I see a baby, or hear one cry, I can feel my ovaries punching me in the gut. Sometimes, I swear I lactate. But we're so beyond not ready for a baby. We both want to be done with school and a little more financially stable and blah blah blah. But at this point it's completely up to Jeff to stop me from marking my ovulation schedule on the calendar.

8. File all the stacks of paper that have piled up next to the filing cabinet. Don't worry that I have a neat and organized filing cabinet with files that have neat and descriptive tabs with nice and neat month dividers, but that all the important paperwork needing desperately to be filed is stacked in a neat and tall pile next to the filing cabinet. My life is a study in counter-productivity.

9. Adopt a sunnier attitude. I'm not sure if anyone has noticed, but I am a little less than a delightful ray of positivity and light. I'm a tad bit of a cynic and a fatalist. Unfortunately this doesn't get me far with meeting new people and not freaking them out, plus my bosses hate it. Sooo.. positive thinking. It sounds boring and tedious, but I'll try it.

10. Budget, budget, budget. I don't want to brag or anything, but I don't suck with money. I know where it's going and where it should be going and how I need to save it. But I don't actually have a routine for this. And occasionally I only budget when it's convenient for me. However, Jeff and I are increasing our income and the money is coming in a little more steadily and I know that if I'm not careful, I'll let it go to my head and I'll stop being as obsessive careful. So. Written budget.

11. In August or September, my sweet baby brother is leaving to serve an LDS mission. For two years. Only two phone calls a year and the occasional email, other than that it's nothing but snail mail. For two years. TWO YEARS. I already cry about it weekly, just because I know it's coming. I don't want him to leave. He's my best friend and I'll miss him like crazy. But none of that is a resolution. My resolution concerning all of this is to do a bunch of completely awesome things with Ty before he leaves. Have some kick-ass adventures and make some memories. Unfortunately I'm not creative in any way (everything I think would be fun turns out to be illegal. Damn my law-abiding husband). So if anyone has ideas.. I'm open to them.

12. Erase WebMD from my favorites list and my bookmarks. If I type in 'headache', then WebMD shoots out 'brain tumor.' If I type in 'diarrhea' (not that I ever do that) then WebMD tells me it's a tapeworm. It's making me even more paranoid than usual and I now occasionally palpate my stomach for cancerous masses during yoga. I'm just kidding. I don't do yoga.

13. Be happy! Cheesiest way to end any blog ever. And really, what with all the plagues and the dying seals and the economy, there's no reason to be happy. So keep that in mind, and have a happy new year.

Starting Over

2010-01-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

This year more than ever, I feel like I've wiped a slate clean. The last two months of 2009 were just so unbelivably bad, as was the first week of 2010 (I thought I had swine flu.. long story. Actually, no, not that long of a story. It goes: I thought I had swine flu. The end) but I'm choosing to make that first week not count. Instead, I'm counting this week. Which started out in a not-so-great kind of way, but I'm gonna go ahead and think of it like this:
When you get impaled in the stomach (not that I ever have, but bear with me) it hurts like a bitch (I'm assuming). November and December of 2009 was like a large-ish branch being shoved through my sternum. And then you have to rip the branch out and that hurts too (pure speculation) and blah blah blah. And you decide not to go to the doctor, because it's really no big deal, so it starts to get a little better. Like the beginning of January 2010. But then, uh oh it gets infected. So you go to the doctor for real and he (or she. Shit) has to rip it open and clean it out and you may as well have just been back to square one. Much like it was on Wednesday, January 6th, 2010. Square one. I'm not going to get into it, but square effing one. Anyway, you wake up the next morning and the massive sternum hole feels a tiny bit better. It's still sore and you're still annoyed that it happened in the first place, but it's not as sharp. And you feel like finally, after all the crap you went through, what with the gaping chest wound, things are going your way. Like maybe you needed to go through all the pain and festering infection and gore to get where you're finally at.
That was such a dramatic way of saying that instead of getting fired, I just got 'written up' at work. But either way, I'm still gainfully employed. High five.
After writing all of that shit, I really can't remember where I was going with this. But I'm not erasing it. Because that's not what 2010 is about. 2010 is all about standing by what you've done and trying to do it better next time. Also, I don't want to start this damn post over.
Incidentally, I just made a list of my New Year's resolutions. So we all know what next Monday's 13 is all about.

Wow. Anybody else feel winded?

13 Things You Should Probably Know If This Is Your First Time Visiting... Orrrr Just a Good Brush-Up For The Rest Of You!

2010-01-04T22:37:00.010-07:00

Wow.. I guess I have some explaining to do, right? As to why my site did a virtual disappearing act? It's a long story, but the short version would sound something like "I was super effing tired of paying for the domain name and the web hosting and blah blah blah." So I've regressed. To a blogspot site. Isn't it usually the other way around? You go from a blogspot site to a dot com site? This will just be easier. A little less classy, but since when have I ever been concerned with class?
So, like I said. Today's Monday 13 is a refresher course for those of you who used to read the site and have since forgotten everything about me (you're not missing much) and just a general FAQ reference for you first timers out there (prepare yourself).

1. Firstly, this is a Monday 13. Every Monday I make a list of 13 things (oh yeah. Just things. Whatever's on my mind that day). Don't ask me where it came from, because I'm not sure. All I know is that it's a tradition now, and my obsessive compulsive disorder won't allow me to discontinue it anytime soon.

2. In no way is this a 'family blog.' Or a 'marriage blog.' Or anything like that. Don't expect 'family updates' and don't expect a large amount of vacation/holiday/whatever pictures. Those kinds of blogs drive me nuts (unless you have one.. in which case, I LOVE your site). This blog is simply.. my blog.

3. Similarly, this blog is not a democracy. I'm going to say what I want, when I want and about whatever I want. I feel like this needs clarification because of some, ahem, issues in the past. If you don't like this blog then guess what? DON'T READ IT. If this blog scares your children or makes Jesus unhappy then just click the little red X in the corner and don't ever come back! Don't feel like you need to send hatemail! However, if you feel the urge to send lovemail, then by all means! My contact info is in the 'about me' section!

4. I'm LDS. Or Mormon, as most people know it. That freaks some people out, especially any of you who know my from my writings with The Friendly Atheist. If you don't know, The Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta, bless his heart, somehow stumbled upon the original Lindsey's Rantings site about a year ago and discovered that I was one of those crazy Mormons. We started talking and he subsequently asked if I'd be interested in a co-writing spot on his site. I said of course and was then subjected to some of the most incredible and a few of the most absolutely terrifying people on the internet. In the end, though, I discovered that, while I can hold my own on most things, I simply am not educated or articulate enough to go head to head with some of these theologists. Anyway, the point is, yeah I'm Mormon, get over it. Although, to be fair, I wasn't always a 'good' or 'practicing' Mormon. It was my childhood religion but it wasn't until a few months before I met my husband that I even showed interest in it again. I was a party girl for a few years. Did a lot of things I'm not super proud of. But I grew up and realized that I wanted something more. It wasn't an easy thing to do, getting back in the good graces of my church. But in the end it was completely worth it. I don't expect anyone to understand or accept my religion (which is why I won't be mentioning it very often) but I do get a lot of questions regarding it, so I figured I'd clear it up relatively early. There you go.

5. Although, as aforementioned, I am LDS and have kicked a bunch of nasty habits, swearing isn't one of them. I curse like an effing sailor and so far it doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. To be honest, though, I haven't really tried SUPER hard to stop swearing because I find it hilarious. I figure that as long as I only curse for comedic purposes and not out of anger, I'll avoid going to hell. Which my mom doesn't agree with, but I guess we'll see. The point is, if you're offended by swearing (hi, mom!), you'd best leave now.

6. I have a family, who I love. My mom, Robyn teaches kindergartners how to read, and she's very good at what she does. She has no shortage of hilarious stories about 5-year-olds, either. She has a ~~fiancee~~, ~~boyfriend~~, fiancee (depends on the day) named Dee. Dee is a man's man. He was a cop for 20 years (homicide and sex crimes) and thus, is pretty rough around the edges. He drives a big truck and likes guns and huntin' and red meat and football, blah blah blah (sadly, I could find no pictures of Dee on my computer! I lose).

My dad, Bill is a finance geek by day and a bodybuilding champion by night (seriously. Like, a kadrillion trophies). He also brakes for garage sales on the weekends and cracks hilariously inappropriate jokes at all the right times. He lives in a giant house with his fiancee Tisha and their 3 tiny mouse dogs.

I have a brother, Tyson. Tyson is my best friend. He's 18 and the coolest damn kid who ever walked the earth. He's an edgy skater punk with a 4.0 GPA and a senior class vice president's letterman jacket at his school. He plays guitar and drums and has a wicked awesome stereo system in the 1991 Ford Explorer that he inherited from me.

I have a husband, Jeff who I love deeply. He's an amazing musician and runs a part time recording studio out of our house while going to the University of Utah full time as a communications major. And yet, he still finds time to spend a decent amount of his day playing football on the Wii! Impressive!

And last but not least, my two favorite asshole dogs: Rocky and Rio. Let me just say that if you ever want to have a moment's peace and a un-wrecked yard, don't get an australian shephard dog. And never get two of them. And don't even worry that Rio is overweight and has been diagnosed with doggy downs syndrome (oh yeah. It's a real thing).

7. I have a full time, grown-up person job. I'm a receptionist for an executive suite firm (the name of which I cannot disclose, unless I want to get fired, and let's face it, I'm already on the verge of unemployment most of the time anyway). If you're unfamiliar with the concept of executive suties, it goes something like this: the company I work for rents out a floor or two of a ritzy downtown office building. We then rent out single offices to lawyers or whatever. We answer their phones, entertain their clients, run their errands, make their copies, whatever whatever. Pretty much anything a secretary would do, only we do it for everyone on the entire floor. I meet a lot of awesome, important people and have a decent amount of rapport with most of them. My clients think I'm hilarious and delightful (and the feeling is mutual), but I'm never 100% sure that my co-workers don't completely hate me.

8. Speaking of co-workers who hate me, I don't get along very well with girls. I don't know if it's my love of fart jokes and sex jokes and poop jokes or my obsession with gory slasher films or my inability to keep myself from blurting out whatever inappropriate thing pops into my head at any moment.. although maybe it's a combination of all of those things. Either way, from the time I was young, I've always gotten along better with dudes. I've been screwed over by every female friend I've ever had. Which is fine, no big deal, but it's tough (ok, it's pretty nearly impossible) to have guy friends when you're a married woman. Unless they're your husband's guy friends. I guess the point is, I have no real life friends. Zip. None. However, I have no shortage of internet friends, HIGH FIVE.

9. Did someone say obsessive compulsive disorder? No? Well, I have it anyway. Not so much with germs, like the type of OCD that you usually think of (although, yeah, I hate germs with a fiery rage) but more with the paranoia. Like, I'm convinced that the FBI has a wiretap on my phone and that homeland security goes over all of my bank statements with a fine tooth comb, and that if I died in some bizarre freak accident the cops would not only judge the type of underwear that I'd soiled immediately before my torturous death, but go on to check the search history on every computer I've ever typed on. And that my extended family scrutinizes my blog for some bit of juicy gossip that they laugh about behind my back at family functions. And that my boss has the time to scour every bit of work that I ever do for some miniscule error that will get my ass fired. You know.. the usual stuff. Sometimes this paranoia ekes it's way into my blog, so.... heads up.

10. Speaking of bizarre and unrealistic fears and neuroses, my worst phobia is the octopus. Why? Well there are actually a couple completely rational reasons. First of all, the beak. I cannot handle the fact that an octopus has a beak, especially not in it's, ahem, delicate location. In between all the legs. Where the bajango should be. It's unnatural. Second, I once saw a Youtube video where an octopus came flying out of nowhere, threw it's tentacles around a SHARKFORHELLSAKE, and then suffocated the shark. To death. Third, why is it necessary that they have built-in skin camoflauge? And lastly, I don't know why anything with that many legs needs to exist. I will cry, scream, and puke if confronted with conversation or images of one and no, it's not even all that funny. Unless you're my little brother and his friends, in which case it's hilarious for some reason.

11. I am what I like to call an 'indoor girl.' I'd rather curl up in fuzzy, comfy pajamas, watch awful reality television and read a nice relaxing book about a mass murderer than go 'hiking' or 'jogging' or 'break a sweat.' That's not fun for me. Sweating is not fun for me. Occasionally I'll make the trek to the mailbox, but that's pretty much it.

12. I've been super hormonal lately and I'm not sure what the deal is (no, I'm not pregnant). Last Wednesday a homeless man who eats out of the trash cans outside my work told me he liked my purse. That's it. He just said 'hey, miss, I like your bag.' And I lost it. I bawled like a damn baby and I hugged him (I know, ew) and I'm pretty sure it was the first time I was ever legitimately judged by a homeless man. I'm not sure why I just told that story, but I feel like it needed to be told.

13. The original Lindsey's Rantings site saw me through a lot of major life changes. It all began with a decision to end a relationship. It was heartbreaking and I found myself with no friends and no one to talk me through a difficult time in my life. So I turned to the internet. My blog saw me through my party girl days. I wrote about my changing views and my changing life. I couldn't wait to tell the internet about some of the really wonderful guys that I dated (hi, Steve and Mike and the other Steve)! Subsequently, I cried on the shoulder of the internet after dating a particularly dickheaded dickhead who also happened to be dating my best friend (hi, N. and M.)! I found a couple of great friends and lost a couple of them too. I wrote about the hilarious life and traumatizing death of a very close friend, Jose 'Pablo' Aguirre. I documented the first time I met the man who would become my husband. I wrote about our first date and our engagement and our marriage. My blog followed me through my first stressful year of marriage. The happiest times, the scariest times and the times when I honestly wasn't sure if I could make it through the next day. But I did. And I'm hoping that this blog can lead me into the next exciting chapter of my life.

Happy reading, dudes!